“All of a sudden, I don’t mind saying to people, ‘You know what? Get out of my life.
You’re not right for me.’ It’s wonderful and liberating.”

Whoopi Goldberg, Actor and TV personality

Hello Ladies,

Whether you are experiencing perimenopause or going through menopause itself, you are more than likely to find that a number of your relationships may be impacted in a less than positive way. This can occur with partners, family members, friends or work colleagues and can cause you to feel distress, confusion, anger or even despair.

You have probably at times felt furious or hurt with partners or others who have said to you things like:

• Have you put on weight?
• Why are you keeping it so cold in here?
• You’re lucky that your period has stopped.
• Aren’t you too young for that?
• What, you’re not in the mood again?

Well, I can assure you that you are not alone. Embarrassment, ignorance, lack of empathy and general discomfort from other people about the topic of menopause can cause you to feel frustrated or upset at their insensitive comments or behaviour. This can occur at home, at work, or socially.

During menopause there is a drop in the amount of the hormone oxytocin in the body. This is known as the ‘bonding hormone’ and can lead to a change in the way a relationship is viewed, especially if it occurs together with reduced intimacy.

From having frequent arguments which may cause you to feel unloved by your partner or small differences which may cause distance with friends or colleagues, menopause can cause a variety of relationship problems. These can be made more difficult by the fact that menopause is often not discussed openly in and outside of the home.

It is quite common for marriages to break down during menopause. Over 60% of divorces are initiated by women in their 40s and 50s or 60s – ‘the menopause years’ – according to a recent survey conducted by AARP, an American magazine that focuses on ageing related issues. Symptoms of menopause may not be the sole reason for a divorce, but they are often a contributing factor.

Menopause and Intimacy in Relationships

Perimenopause and menopause can cause a loss of intimacy with partners, which can make couples feel distant from each other. This in turn can cause strain in the relationship which may lead to lack of trust or misunderstanding and increased frustration. Combined with the poor communication that frequently occurs in such circumstances this can lead to relationships breaking down.

Menopause can cause a decreased libido or lead to painful infections which can make intimacy unappealing. This can be complicated for both partners in a relationship and reduce the amount of intimacy shared between them. As well, this can be incredibly stressful and hard to understand for both parties and lead to further distancing from each other. Some women simply don’t wish to be hugged, kissed or touched in any way when they are experiencing severe symptoms of menopause.

Menopause and Anger in Relationships

If you have been directing angry outbursts towards your husband, children, or friends lately, menopause could be to blame. Fluctuating oestrogen levels during this time can have an enormous impact on your moods, causing you to be snappy, picky, irritable, or downright angry, often with no obvious cause to others. This in turn can increase other symptoms such as hot flushes, anxiety, and stress.

Often termed ‘menopause rage’ this symptom can appear in both physical and verbal forms such as shouting, tearfulness, aggressive behaviour, and even violent outbursts. (My niece and nephew at one time christened their mother “Psycho-Mum”).  Such responses can negatively affect relationships with family and friends and even cause lasting damage if care is not taken.

With the fluctuation of oestrogen levels during relationships, the resulting mood swings are often combined with sleepless nights, increased anxiety, frustration, and other symptoms. Therefore, it is very easy to become overwhelmed and angry, and the resulting behaviour may harm relationships with partners and others.

Menopause and Mental Health in Relationships

It is well-known that menopause can trigger mood swings, tantrums and depression or can make them worse if they are pre-existing conditions. During menopause have you ever felt like you are going crazy or like a stranger in your own body? This can seriously impact on connections with partners and friends as menopausal symptoms are frequently in conflict with harmonious relationships.

Perimenopause and menopause can lead to women becoming emotionally detached which can push family and friends away. There is also a risk of depression occurring which evidence has shown can last for up to 4 years after the last menstrual period. As well, constant tearfulness may occur due to the hormonal changes that take place, especially the lowering of oestrogen.

Furthermore, hot flushes can cause you to become embarrassed and agitated, which can impact on your interactions with the people around you. Ironically, the anxiety experienced as a result of this can often trigger further hot flushes.

Other impacts on mental health during menopause mean that you may have trouble remembering things and lose concentration. This in turn can reduce your confidence in yourself and your abilities as these symptoms can be difficult to manage and accept, especially if you feel others do not understand or empathise with your situation.

Maintaining Friendships during Menopause

While menopause is a natural transition, it can disrupt friendships as some women are less likely to engage in social situations. Some say they feel like they are not good company and others feel quite isolated. In fact, some menopausal women say that they have days when they don’t wish to interact with anyone at all and prefer to be alone.

Some women going through menopause can feel very fatigued due to changing hormonal levels which disrupt sleep. Therefore, they may not wish to engage in activities as fully as they did with friends. As well, have you experienced sudden urges to ‘go to the loo’ and don’t wish to be too far from toilet facilities? This may hamper your interactions if walking or cycling for any distance or picnicking out in nature. This is quite normal, so don’t feel awkward about it. Just let your friends know why you are doing things differently.

Tips to Rescue Relationships during Menopause

If you are experiencing mood swings, sadness and anxiety which are impacting on your relationships, some self-help activities can be very useful. These include getting enough sleep, eating well, doing regular exercise and practising yoga or meditation. In addition, reducing alcohol, spicy foods and caffeine may help you feel less anxious and stressed.

To preserve your friendships ask yourself whether your irritability with a friend is realistic or whether a potential argument is really worth having. Do you really think they meant to be unkind, or was it just a misunderstanding and will be forgotten in a few days? Do your best to look at the ‘big picture’.

With regard to your most important relationships, such as those with your partner or close friends, the key for maintaining these is to communicate, communicate, communicate!

Do your best to communicate what you are feeling and what you need from the other person. If it is your partner, have counselling if you feel you need it. If you have persistent depression, consult your doctor to consider the possibility of appropriate medication. Engage in open communication with friends, family members and your partner and if possible, try to add some romance into your personal relationship.

Be aware that partners may feel uncomfortable talking about certain symptoms or feelings, as may some friends. However, you may find that some female friends are going through a similar situation, and you will be able to support each other.

You could try HRT with your doctor’s advice or try some complimentary therapies. Some women take HRT for a few years to help improve their worst symptoms of menopause. This has been shown to help overcome some of the difficulties experienced in intimate relationships during this time.

Be aware that you may experience some postmenopausal symptoms. These are very similar to those experienced during menopause and can continue on for a number of years. It is just as important to focus on maintaining positive relationships with those around you during this period of time.

Remember you are not the menopause. It is a natural progression that occurs with ageing. You are still the unique and wonderful person you always were and with the right attitude you can maintain loving relationships with your partner and family, and close and rewarding relationships with your friends.

Don’t compare yourself to others as many people have different experiences during menopause and this will be your own journey. If you follow the tips above, ideally you can still have happy and fulfilled relationships with the people around you, including those in the workplace. Conduct yourself with confidence and pride and be an inspiring role model to your friends and children.

“Calm and poise do not simply happen to the post-menopausal woman, she has to fight for them”.

Germaine Greer

I have previously been a patient of Jacky Dakin. Jacky gave me the tools I needed to get through my anxiety in particular, and many other things that I needed direction and support with. We all need a Jacky in our life, is what I have said to many of my girlfriends and colleagues. This is why when she said yes to being involved, I was ecstatic to have her voice and experience shared with you on this important topic, and to raise awareness about the Meno change. You can see the professionals I have engaged with on my journey at the Mimi Moon reference page here.